For a while now, I’ve been discouraged.
Discouraged about the weeks I bust ass and only lose a pound.
Discouraged about the weeks I don’t bust ass and gain seven.
Discouraged that this process is ridiculously slow for a man my size.
This is the truth of my journey — I’m nearly 400 pounds. I’ve been on the trail to healthy for nearly three years. I started the year on fire, ready to change and take this thing day by day. I wanted to eat better. I wanted to exercise more. I wanted better sleep. Here’s the kicker: I’ve done those things, to a point. While inconsistent, my eating has been considerably better than much of last year. I’ve moved more in the past 12 weeks than I did most of last year. I’ve slept better with the help of my cPAP. But I’m about as heavy as I was to start the year.
During the past month (and most recently yesterday), the question came up: How bad do you want it? Do you want it bad enough?
A few weeks ago, I would’ve told you, “Absolutely! 100%!”
Actions speak louder than words. I’ve given in to a fast food meal, indulged in a favorite snack, skipped workouts. I haven’t been consistent, the key to all major weight loss. After really thinking about it, being honest with myself and looking at my actions, I’ve decided that I don’t want it bad enough.
I want it.
Just not bad enough. Not bad enough to give up all the things I crave or commit to physical activity every day. Darn shame, isn’t it?
No one ever said this would be easy. I see many friends struggle with the same thing, and each time I hear someone else’s story I think to myself that it just can’t be this hard. Is it really this hard? I’m almost 400 pounds. I have severe Type II diabetes and all the other normal sides to go with it.
So, where do I go from here?
Now that I’ve figured out I don’t want it bad enough yet, I go on with life. I continue to try and make good decisions, get in workouts when I can, keep trying to get good rest, and keep searching for “bad enough.”
When I started this blog, I wanted to inspire people. I wanted people to read this blog, read of my successes with weight loss, and find their own success. That has changed a little. I still want people to be inspired. Mostly, I want people who live with similar ailments or people who have struggled to lose weight for whatever reason to know from the beginning that this can be extremely difficult. Sometimes, it’s far beyond frustrating.
So, we continue to fight, to learn, to be inspired (and maybe even sustain) … until “bad enough” sets in. Errr, until I/you flip the switch.